The Big Stupid Boat is a boat that’s big. It’s also very stupid. Those who work on it, therefore, refer to it not by its registered name (I won’t embarrass the owners, crew and contractors by naming, nay, shaming this monstrosity) but by its nick-name: Big Stupid Boat.
The BSB was so named by a contractor over from the States who was employed to change a light bulb. It took him twelve weeks to complete the job. Not through his own laziness or stupidity, mind. No, the BSB has strange powers that sucks the willingness to live out of anyone stupid enough to board the big boat.
Let’s start at the beginning. The Big Stupid Boat was bought by a stupid man who had a very big amount of cash to piss around with. Stupidly he bought the big boat and spent a stupid amount of money on it by getting it refitted in Marmaris, not such a stupid place to get your boat refitted if you want to save yourself a few pounds. If you want to spend £15m on it, that’s a different matter. From Day 1 the BSB refit was doomed.
The owner employed a couple of gay interior designers who, as only gay interior designers can do, made a complete mockery of the interior. Light wooden floors were laid which were then dyed black. Not only do they scuff as soon as you so much as sneeze on them but also they are not particularly ideal on a boat that will spend most of its time in the sun. Why do you think most boats are white and not black? Guest rooms were given weird themes, including a very sadomasochistic-looking ‘leather’ cabin. All that’s missing is the gimp mask. The top deck has been reserved to house a gym. Yes, a gym. Why? Why? And triple why? The galley, in which the chef will serve fine cuisine for up to twenty guests, is about as big as a small kitchen in a tiny flat in a minuscule apartment block. He’d have more luck cooking on a camping gas canister. In the cinema room it takes approximately 184 minutes to get the projector set up and working correctly, due to the gay designers concept of ‘tuck-away AV gear’. You could have watched one episode of the Godfather trilogy in that time.
Being the diplomatic chap that I am I won’t talk about the crew but it is worth mentioning that the non-drinking, non-smoking skipper farts at you when you ask him a question. Don’t ask. The chief mechanic and the hostess have already handed in their notice. The entire crew are alcoholics due to their Groundhog Day existence.
Big Stupid Boat has spent so long in Yacht Marine that it has developed a life of its own. Its chief character trait is to slow everything down that comes near it or on it. The people mainly affected by this are the crew, but the American contractors, who both had a little five o’clock shadow from their long-haul flight, now sport ZZ Top style goaties.
Its powers are so strong even Liz and I can’t leave the marina. Already we’ve had a leaving party and said our goodbyes to everyone. Twice. We just can’t seem to leave this place and I put it down to befriending the crew of the BSB. After getting pissed with you in the bar they turn into vampires and suck the life-blood from your very existence. This is all down to living on the Big Stupid Boat.
This week it was announced that the BSB will finally be leaving the marina to begin its new life as a floating hotel. This should be interesting. The last time I saw the chief mechanic he was stooped in the engine room, standing star-shaped, with each appendage stuffed in various leaks that had sprung up in the fuel and water systems. The BSB will probably be delayed by another week as it fills its tanks with fuel. This isn’t because it takes on so much diesel. No, it’s because the designer made the fuel inlet just 5cm in diameter. What really concerns everyone, however, is whether the Big Stupid Boat will be able to perform its boaty duties by actually leaving the marina and making a successful passage.
It was our Turkish friend, Yener, who coined the term ‘iron’, which he uses to refer to modern motor boats. It’s a good observation. Their shiny top-sides and pointed noses define the iron shape whilst the fly-bridge could so easily be the handle. When they are plugged into shore-power they look ready to steam-press a collared work shirt. There are many irons out there, steaming along, annoying ‘proper’ sailing vessels and drowning simple fishermen in their one-cylinder gondolas with their filthy wake, but the king of the irons has to be Big Stupid Boat. I’m surprised Rowenta hasn’t sued the BSB designer for copyright infringement.
Let’s compare the two. Below are two pictures, one of a standard household iron, and one of the BSB. Can you tell them apart? To the untrained eye it is quite difficult. For most of you who can’t tell the difference, the BSB is the one on the left. No, wait a minute, it’s the one on the right. Whatever.
We decided it would be an interesting experiment to race a standard household iron with the Big Stupid Boat, so on the boat’s first shake-down into Marmaris Bay we did exactly that. The skipper was out to test the top speed of the boat, which at 2,000rpm is around 11 knots.
The results show that once optimum speed is reached a household iron is a much faster, more efficient and comfortable ride than the Big Stupid Boat. The following shot shows the course that the BSB took.
As you can see from the route when cornering the household iron really has it, with superb handling. At the first corner the BSB had to significantly decrease speed, whilst the household iron could quite easily have decreased a shirt. Over all the race was quite an embarrassment and the crew were seen hiding their faces whenever anyone tried to take a picture of the event. The crew have since been issued with baseball caps but it is clear that the Big Stupid Boat still has a lot of issues to iron out.
There’s an old saying in the UK: money can buy you riches but it can’t buy you style. Or is it love? Anyway, the point is the human race will continue to invade countries, slaughter innocent civilians, be cruel to animals and produce Big Stupid Boats. As long as there are millionaires with no taste there will always be Big Stupid Boats. God help us.
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