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No, you are an alcoholic fun monster. Keep doing it your way.
Dear Dottie, I can't figure out how to use those built-in bidet things in Turkish toilets. Am I supposed to use them before or after I wipe? A. Klingon
Dottie says I tend to use them for washing my hands. It saves time in the toilets and frees up the sinks for others.
Dear Dottie, Whilst driving in Turkey I've noticed that one is obliged to drive in the middle of the road, but I'm unsure what happens at traffic lights. Please could you confirm? Mr M. Y. O’pik
Dottie says Section D, subsection 14.2.1 of the official Turkish Highway code states that traffic lights, normally found on roundabouts and random corners, are to be ignored at all costs. Failure to do so will result in a fine and a good beating from the local constabulary.
Dear Dottie, Recently I've noticed an increasing number of 'little' people running around the marina. Could you tell me what they are please? Miss N. McPhee
Dottie says I think they're called 'children'. If you do see any you should report it to the marina office immediately.
Dear Dottie, If one cylindrical object was rotated around another fixed, identically sized cylindrical object once, what distance would it have travelled in relation to its circumference? B. A. Leanar
Dottie says This is a really interesting question. Danke.
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This is the page where someone who thinks they know what they’re doing in the kitchen proves that they are totally lost at sea in a galley. It will probably end up with a proven method for boiling a pot-noodle or baking a Fray Bentos meat pudding. If you want to see a proper, tasty recipe here just email your suggestion to us at: portholenews@gmail.com |
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This section of the newspaper is for you kids. You can do anything you want with it, play games, tell stories and jokes or just doodle. If we get a lot of requests the corner might fill a page, if you only want a small bit at the edge then it’s up to you.
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Dear Dottie |
Kids Corner |
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Page 3 |
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Dear Dottie, While sailing my boat last week I was bored and pulled some string that was in my way. All of a sudden I couldn’t see where I was going and the boat leaned over. Do I have a problem? Concerned of Netsel
Dottie says You have a sailboat, the string you pulled is called a sheet and the view was obscured by the sail. The reason the boat leaned over was due to the action of the wind in the sail, This is supposed to happen and you should not be worried. Next time this happens you should try turning the engine off.
Dear Dottie, On a recent ladies outing to the hamam I was shocked at the number of my neighbours who went ‘au naturel’. There was one European lady in particular who was totally at ease with her lack of synthetic cover and I found myself strangely drawn to her. Does this mean I am a lesbian? Confused of Kilo Pontoon
Dottie Says Dear Confused, this single incident does not necessarily mean you are a lesbian. So my advice is to try it again perhaps at the Saturday swimwear optional sauna and see if you still feel the same way. If not, then I can feel comfortable at ladies coffee. If yes, then you are a dyke and I can put you in touch with others of your kind via the phoneline LEZ B friends, 0800 969696
Dear Dottie, I remember in the real world that there were seven days in the week and 2 of most hours in the day. There are now no Saturdays, although I have a vague memory of starting to sing a karaoke song on Friday evening and then it was Sunday. I have not seen any of the numbers up to 11 on my 24 hour clock since coming to the marina. Is there a magnetic anomaly that causes this time warp? Dr. S. HawkingDottie says |
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HorrorScopes by Krystal Balls
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Send in your letter to Dottie and win a sailing holiday afloat in a marina for the winter in a boat of our choice, or a bottle of wine. The best letters will be published in the next issue along with Dotties reply. |
RECIPE OF THE WEEK |
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Alpharius You're wondering why no-one ever visits you. Try becoming a little more accessible.
Bravio You're in a bleak and lonely place, these days. Expect wind.
Charlius You think you're lucky having lots of neighbours, but think again. They're all watching you.
Deltacorn Always the bridesmaid, never the bride? Show those around you that you are beautiful and desirable. Wear something slinky.
Echorius You're stuck in a rut. It's time for a new adventure. Get out and get a life!
Foxtrotus You've been feeling suffocated and sluggish of late. Throw open the windows of your mind and drink in some new ideas.
Golfo It's been difficult for you to find privacy recently. Shut the curtains, lock the door, play some soft music and pretend you've gone away for a while.
Hotelsius You're a free spirit with noble ideas and unclipped wings. So why are you hanging around? It's time to fly!
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Indies Don't be a Grinch. Go out and buy all your friends a little something for Christmas... now.
Juliettra Still looking for your Romeo? Try the bar on a Friday night...
Limacorn You like big shiny white plastic stuff and you want lots of it. You want it fast. Slow down a bit and enjoy the scenery.
Mikeces You feel ignored and a bit out on a limb. Throw a party!
Novemberus Recently you've enjoyed a quiet and unremarkable life. Now is the time to discard your inhibitions and take charge!
Oscra Cats are attracted to you. Use vinegar in water to get rid of the furry ones. There's nothing you can do about the other kind.
Papacorn Feeling a little left out, and without your own identity? It's time you were noticed! Do something mad and bad!
Hardus You're somewhat elevated these days. If you have one, don't dive off the swimming platform.
Netselarius Why not join in more?
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